The Risks of Living in This Super-Tall, Ultra-Thin Skyscraper

Welcome to 5050 Fifth Avenue, the newest in a crop of super-tall and extremely narrow New York City residential buildings! Of course, there are many tall buildings in the world, but few match this particular mix of excessively tall and overly slender. As a new resident, you should be aware that the physical strain created by this combination of sky-high and extra skinny produces the following unique (we like to think of them as “exclusive”) conditions within this building:

Clouds penetrate the building. Because we were forced to build the upper floors with porous construction materials, clouds outside of those floors pass right through the building. So be prepared for long stretches of low visibility within your residence.

Leaks are common. These include water leaks, power leaks (electricity leaking from the wires), pipe leaks (pipes slipping out of the walls), vision leaks (from your field of vision), and acid leaks (unknown origin). We are also dealing with a phenomenon called “up-flooding,” in which water from leaks flows upward and puddles on the ceiling.

There are creaking sounds. These are perfectly normal—it’s just the sound of the building trying to stay up. We’d be much more worried if the building didn’t make any effortful noises!

No pets are allowed, save for insects. Bugs are the only creatures that can withstand the high atmospheric pressure exerted on the building. (Note: for you to survive as well, be sure to spend at least five hours per day in your management-issued deep-sea diving suit or your apartment’s bathysphere.)

The elevator gets stuck when you choose to go up. There’s no assistance from gravity the way there is when you’re going down in one of our elevators, so we recommend that you start your elevator ride at a floor that’s above your unit.

The miles of ventilation shafts echo conversations from three days ago. We’d like to point out that there is no physical risk involved with this one. But it could drive you insane, an effect it had on a few children who used to live in the building.

The extremely high pressure needed to transport water upward sometimes converts the water to plasma. This H₂O gel is perfectly safe to drink/eat, and also to wash with, though be aware that it can bind human hair to glass. To turn the plasma back into water, first boil it, which will turn it into ice, and then freeze the ice until it melts back into water.

The mollusks clinging to the side of your residence must be kept in a careful state of equilibrium. If too many of these “sky barnacles” accumulate, the building will sink into the ground; if there are too few of them, the building will float away.

Vibrations caused by the building can have unusual effects. These include:

• Reversing the flow of blood in your body.
• Smoothing your bones.
• Forcing you to breathe what’s known as “shaky air,” which can bruise your lungs.
• Making anyone who is sleeping have the same dream, in which snowmen are the real people and real people like us are what snowmen build around Christmastime.
• Generating a sound called “brain hum.”
• Giving you the shivers.

There is a crevasse in the middle of your residence. This large gap in the center of your unit assists in the expansion and contraction that the building necessarily undergoes with temperature changes, moving as much as eight feet during the day. Stay out of the crevasse in the hour after sunset, or the building will eat you.

There is a fire that “lives” on the top floor. Because air needs to be pumped into the low-oxygen areas at the top of the building, a fire that broke out on the ninetieth floor receives a steady stream of pure, unadulterated oxygen, keeping it eternally fuelled. It remains safely contained to its unit, owing to the up-flooding of water to the top of the building. The skyrocketing value of the unit has given the fire legal status as a resident, so the fire has as much right to be there as any other occupant of the building. The fire lives there now. The fire is in control.

This is all to say that the existence of this fire prevents the temperature in the building from ever dropping below seventy-five degrees Fahrenheit, which isn’t life-threatening or anything like that but also isn’t a comfortable indoor temperature, either. We really do apologize for this most inexcusable of inconveniences.

Also, never go to the ninetieth floor, because rescue crews have made it clear to us that they will never enter the residence to save anyone.

All investments entail risks—but the risks of living at 5050 Fifth Avenue are the most sought-after risks in all of N.Y.C.! So keep quiet about these wonderful features, or everyone is going to want to move here.

This article has been updated to include a fictitious address.