Shouts & Murmurs

Symptoms of the New Variant May Include

A man in his bathroom grimacing in the mirror while using a corona virus test to swab the inside of his nose.
Photograph by Willie B. Thomas / Getty

  • Dry cough

  • Wet cough

  • The perfect cough—not too dry, not too wet

  • No cough

  • Any symptoms you typically have when you are dehydrated, are on your period, didn’t get a perfect night’s sleep, or are more than thirty years old

  • Sore throat

  • Throat that is not sore, just a little disappointed

  • Scratchy throat, but the kind that’s sexy

  • Hunger and/or loss of appetite

  • Watery eyes and you haven’t recently listened to the original Broadway-cast recording of “Sunday in the Park with George”

  • Clear eyes, coupled with a full heart and inability to lose

  • Feeling generally pretty good!

  • Tiredness (due to thinking about COVID-19)

  • Anxiety (about catching COVID-19)

  • Exhaustion (from panicking about COVID-19)

  • Foot asleep

  • When you rub your eyes and it just makes them feel scratchier, but you simply cannot stop rubbing

  • Inflamed ego

  • The feeling that your body just misses her touch—that’s all

  • Sweating the small stuff

  • Sweaty palms, weak knees, heavy arms, nervous—but on the surface calm and ready

  • Instagram ads are all for COVID-19

  • Insomnia

  • “Insomnia” (2002, Christopher Nolan)

  • The feeling that you’ve just gotta dance!

  • Sneezing and no one nearby saying “bless you”

  • Excessive and/or painful winking

  • Child recently wrote “COVID-19” on the mirror backward

  • Death

  • Other flu-like symptoms