With real estate prices skyrocketing and remote work offering an opportunity for more flexibility, New York City has seen a recent uptick in wealthy residents leaving for greener pastures. The Onion spoke with several affluent former New Yorkers about why they left and this is what they said.
“The amount of white collar crime here is getting really scary.”
“My dad said if I don’t use the Martha’s Vineyard house, he’d give it to my sister.”
“Besides my bodyguard, driver, personal assistant, butler, maid, chef, helicopter pilot, other bodyguard, and the fact that I live in a penthouse on the upper East Side, what’s there to protect me from all the crime?”
“Tax evasion.”
“I tried taking the subway for the first time and ended up on an express train to Newark.”
“I realized I hated convenient public transport, cultural diversity, and the arts.”
“I moved to South Rkeyni, the secret island nation for rich people.”
“I never actually lived there. I just own 11% of it.”
“I read about the trend in The Wall Street Journal, and who am I to disobey?”
“I was traded from the Knicks to the Detroit Pistons.”
“If I don’t use this JetBlue voucher now, I lose it completely.”
“It’s always been my dream to move to a small town upstate and complain about everything.”
“The bagels in Utah are just better somehow.”
“Upstate New York just feels like more of a match for my racism.”
“The subways became unrideable, I imagine.”
“Finally decided to give writing one of those unhinged manifestos a go, and to do it properly, you need to retreat to a cabin in the woods.”
“To be honest, it hasn’t quite been the same for me since Jeffrey and Ghislaine left!”
“Real estate is out of control. It’s impossible to find a decent 10-bedroom townhouse in a good neighborhood for under $50 million.”
“I got hit by a Range Rover at 14th Street and Park Avenue South. I lived, but my dress got stuck in its grill. Turns out they were headed to Cincinnati, so I live here now.”
“I was looking at rent prices and felt like my parents weren’t getting much for their money.”
“President Lincoln’s Homestead Act is a bountiful gift from God. My family’s future lies in exotic Minnesota!”
“You don’t always get to pick your prison.”